If I take back my first hello,
…will it prevent your last goodbye?
If I take back my first hello,
…will it prevent your last goodbye?
You know it’s true.
That nothing fazes me anymore.
You can do what you want, say what you want.
Words do nothing. They don’t break me.
I stand where I am today regardless of what people have said about me.
I stand where I am today because I do not let things get to me.
Just like Dory.
Short term memory to forget things that don’t matter.
“Keep on swimming..”
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
At least have the courage to confront.
What is the point of you whining like a bitch, calling people names and yet you do not have the courage to confront the truth?
WAKE UP FROM YOUR BLOODY SLEEP.
Have the guts to confront.
Iron out all the creases.
Make everyone feel better!
That world that you live in does not exist.
Nobody is an angel.
But when someone comes to you with the truth, no matter how hurting it is, accept it.
Or question it! Confront it, analyse it, assess it!
Don’t act noble in front and then lash it out at the back!
What do you do when things change around you?
Do you accept it?
Do you question it?
Do you embrace it?
What do you do when the person change right before you?
Do you fight it?
Do you wish for it to go away?
Do you argue about it?
Do you think about it?
And what if it is you who changed?
Will you realise it?
Will you take it?
Will you be happy or unhappy with it?
For every good change, it’s in your honour.
For every bad deed, it’s on my shoulders.
We can’t stop change.
Change is progress.
Change takes you on a different road.
Change comes and sweeps you off your feet.
Change tests your reactions.
Change makes you see things that you should be.
But the ultimate question is,
…how can you differentiate which one is good and which one is bad?
Have you ever feel what I feel?
This feeling of weariness?
Of fighting the same thing over and over again?
I’m tired. Really tired.
You may say that I’m a “hard bitch”,
but come again, who was the one with the itch?
Maybe today is the day that I let go.
I see that you are doing everything that you can to make things right.
I hope it works for you.
I may be the bitch but you are the stupid one.
Stupid, stupid woman! I just want to get through today.
And then I will occupy myself with things to do.
I have a life too, you know.
I have my college to attend, my family to look after, my job!!
…but why is my mind still thinking about you?
Why is my heart still calling your name?
I just want to be alright again.
Take everything!!! Take everything from me!!
I don’t want to feel anymore!!
…the more you push them away, the harder it is for you.
Just leave it, live with it.
One day.. One day..
It will all, go away………
Of all the years that I have been working as an Editor for a magazine, reading through mountainous of letters writing in to share their problems and issues, their cries for help and attention, there is a particular letter that I find captivating. The writer of the letter is a woman and I must say, her cries were the loudest that I just have to share it with the rest of the world. Here is the letter below.
“Dear Editor, the reason why I wrote to you is not to be famous or air my dirty linen. It is not to get my letter published in your popular magazine. But I do not know who else i should write to.
You see, I hate hearing people telling me things that I know. I hate people telling me what I shouldn’t do, how I shouldn’t have done it and how stupid I was to actually do it. But then, when unexplainable things happen, although it can be prevented, you just can’t seem to escape from it.
I got involved with a married man. And I am married myself. The most common people will say “Oh fuck, what did you get yourself into??” And it is strange how they refused to believe when I say I did not set out to have an affair at the start of the friendship.
I am happy with my husband. He gives me the kind of love that I couldn’t have imagine. But when I stumbled upon a new source of attention, I couldn’t help but to feel flattered. Hey, I am a woman after all. Besides, who doesn’t like that extra attention?
The truth has always been that we were friends first before lovers. All I did and gave was a listening ear, a helping hand for a friend. I was sincere and genuine, always being that friend everybody needs. That friend who provides support and encouragement when nobody else is standing there. That friend who provides hugs when that is all you need to make you feel better.
How was I to know that it will bloom into something else? How was I to know that feelings that I thought will never exist, came rushing like an overflowing river over a broken dam?
And God, I tried. I tried to put an end to it. It was wrong. WRONG!!
But I could not stop being a friend to him. He was like an injured puppy, who needed constant care and concern. And in return for my friendship, he showered me with jokes and stories about who he was, what he was. He shared with me his problems, his stress and his fears.
We talked daily, every second that we are free from the shackles of work. Sometimes out of the blue, he would call and say, “I miss you..” and hung up. Just like that. And it will be just like the movies. Flowers smell sweeter and there will be background music accompanying my every step.
Nothing last forever, isn’t it? His family found out about us and he called it off.
Just like that.
There is no one to listen to my story. People tell me that I should let it go and move on. People tell me that I should take a look at myself and realise where I stand. People tell me that I’m just a third-party. But am I not human too?
I am struggling. Struggling every day to forget everything that happened. Struggling to forget the feelings that he made me feel. Struggling to forget every conversations that we had. Struggling to forget every tiny details about everything that happened. I need time to get over things. I need time to heal. I am hurt too. I beat myself up too. Knowing that I wouldn’t be in this state if I didn’t get involved but I am already here. At this stage.
People always blame the third-party. People always think that it is always the third party’s fault. But a relationship doesn’t work when there is only one person in it. It needs two to tango. It takes two hands to clap. So why is it only one person who is getting the finger pointed at? I wouldn’t be in this state if it wasn’t because of what he said, he did, he shared..
So dear Editor, I just need people to understand. Don’t be too quick to judge. Don’t be too quick in pointing fingers. Don’t be too quick in labelling. A fault is still a fault but when it comes to matters of the heart, how can you simplify things? And yes, there is this debate on using the brain to think but when you think you have fallen, the brain stops working.
I just want to feel better…”
I realise how we always judge, how we always give comments that are insensitive when someone comes to us sharing a story that requires us to be neutral. We always try to be on a higher moral grounds just because someone appears to be lower than us. What we don’t realise is how hurting they are inside. That they do need a shoulder to lean on, to give support, to help them to go through the ordeal. Nobody wants to be in that situation. And it is always painful when a relationship ends be it illicit or not. It still involves feelings. It is still love.
On that note, the write of this letter committed suicide one week later.
You said, “It’s never too late..”
I said, “What’s the point?”
You turned angry, everything’s messy..
And yet, I’m on the floor begging you, “No more..”
You said, “I’m true!”
I said, “Prove it.”
You shed tears, you shared with me your fears..
And yet, I’m the one crying, pining, waiting..
I said, “The signs are obvious..”
You said, “What are you talking about?”
You’ve changed, you’ve drifted away and you denied it.
I confronted and you said, “I don’t know.. I really don’t know..”
Everything has been said and done,
You did everything in the name of fun.
I did everything in the name of love,
I even placed you higher than the one above.
And yet you said, “It’s not my fault.”
You said you have to do what you have to do.
I said, “Whatever you said all this while isn’t true..”
“Always and forever” was just bullshit for you.
The morning light that I see when I open my eyes,
that shines so bright throughout the darkest corner of my heart.
Not for one second, I want us to be apart.
The moonlight that glows at night,
caressing my face gently while holding me tight.
For that moment, I wish with all my might.
The only pillar of strength that I have,
You told me that no dreams is out of reach.
So many lessons on Life that you teach.
In so many ways so precious to me,
And yet I chose to leave thee.
I can never be what you want me to be,
No matter how hard I try to see..
I can never be you, you can never be me..
What is meant to be, will be..
For now, goodbye my shining star.
From A to Z, I’ll make you see,
Just how much you mean to me..
Amidst the thousands and hundreds of lies,
Baby, you’re the one truth that caught my eyes.
Couldn’t ask for anything more than this,
Drawn to you like a vagrant seeking peace.
Even when things get tough,
Forever and always never seem enough.
Hungry for your affection, that’s what I live for,
Inside my heart, it’s you I adore.
Justifying my mistakes is never what you want,
Keep all the hurt inside is your daily front.
Lying beside you in the middle of the night,
Makes me feel so loved even without you holding me tight.
Never in my dreams that I will ever find you,
Open up my heart is all I need to do.
Precious moments throughout the years I safekeep,
Questions that I have, it’s all buried deep.
Rest assure that I’ll never leave you, Love.
So long as I am given the Time to live from Him above.
There’s no one who can love me so true,
Ultimately, no matter how far, I still run back to you..
Visions of Heaven, that is what I see,
Whenever I look into that brown eyes of thee.
X-rays cannot even show,
Your love and concern, in my blood they flow.
Zoom along Time, we’ll build our love strong..